This week I'm going to make my rant on:
Glossary:
PJ - Peter Jackson, the movie's director
ROTK - Short for Return of the King
TTT - Short for The Two Towers
FOTR - Short for Fellowship of the Ring
CGI - Computer Generated Images
Although it is not a BAD movie, per se, it was a rather colossal disappointment for me.
Allow me to explain a bit. Perhaps more will come later...
MINOR SPOILERS THROUGHOUT – I will note if there are big spoilers.
OK, I will try to make sense of why I didn’t enjoy Return of the King. However, I believe that no matter how much I write down on this site, there are still many more unexplained dissatisfactions with this final installment of the LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy. Maybe SOMEBODY out there will read this, and if that happens, maybe some people will agree with me on what I have to say. And if they don't agree, then maybe they'll understand my disappointment.
Guess I'll start from the very beginning...
The Opening Sequence: Bad Smeagol! - He's friggin' Gollum the moment he's onscreen. Why not make him talk NORMAL the first time we see him? Instead, he’s Smeagol talking exactly the same as the completely infected and psychotic Gollum several centuries later. It looked to me like Smeagol had a bad temper and a badder jealousy streak to begin with, and would have killed his brother for something as simple as the big fish that he was about to catch. He scared me from the get-go. It didn’t seem like the ring even needed to convince Smeagol to kill his brother. It was bound to happen no matter what.
Silent Melodrama During Major Battle Sequences - How many times did they stop all sound except for the slightly-above-a-whisper monologues that are more sappy than the pine trees I climbed as a kid... especially during moments when trolls are beating down a door! Why the hell does there need to be a speech about death not being a big deal when any second there will be hundreds of orcs bursting through a door and parading on your ass? I don’t know about you, but I’d say, “Look, Mith ol’ buddy, I love you, but you really gotta shut up now. I can’t hear you through the din of clanking armor, my own fear, and the screams of the dying soldiers around me. Now is NOT the time for some pep talk!”
One-Liners In the Heat of Battle - Take them all out. That's what was so good about the FIRST movie. We didn't get the zoom in to extreme close-up on a character as he/she kills (or even worse, is ABOUT to kill) someone, and they say a worthless throwaway sentence that only slows the movie down, and lessens the value of the characters' believeability. Not to mention that these sequences add yet more moments of complete silence in a battle, and the silence further accentuates the stupidity of the line these actors have to spew. Do you really THINK a bad guy would let you stand there for four seconds to let you pose for the camera and then say something stupid before they run a sword into your face? Fuck you! I sure as hell wouldn’t let that happen to ME! The moment that good guy stood still, I’d take that hesitation as my moment to strike!
Overused, Extensive CGI - When I saw FOTR, there were very few moments in which the CGI bumped me out of the realism of Middle-Earth. I thought the octopus-dude in the murky bog, and the cave troll were the worst of those moments. However, it wasn’t annoying enough to get my panties in a bunch. I accept it for what it is; after all, this is a fantasy, and I don’t notice the CGI as much as I DO notice it, which is a good thing. The Balrog was perfect; the subtle magic that Gandalf used (namely, the force field that blocks the flaming sword) against the Balrog, and the CGI matte backgrounds and running replacement CGI characters in the Mines of Moria were nearly flawless. Major props, yo!
It seems as if PJ and WETA got too much confidence in their use of CGI with this one, and they went waaay overboard. Every battle sequence screamed "hey! I'm a computer crowd!", and falling horses looked too choppy, the Nazgul weren't scary - except for the first shot when he's perched on a pedestal while Samwise, Frodo and Gollum stare in fright - that should have been the first time we EVER saw the flying Ringwraiths. They should have been only a flying shadow passing overhead in TTT. It took away a lot of the excitement seeing them in RotK. But I digress. I’m ranting on RotK here. Legolas always did at least one spectacular stunt in each of these movies. This time he triapsed up an olliphaunt’s giant ivory tusk, jumps from the front legs to the back, climbs the leg and attacks from the back killing everyone riding the beast, shoots arrows into the creature’s head and flies off the trunk as it falls to its' death – Oh wait, I mean Legolas’ CGI STUNT DOUBLE does this! Talk about a buzzkill! PHEW! That coulda been spectacular if I wasn't groaning at the shitty effects! MINOR SPOILER: The entrance to Mordor’s Crack of Doom had the ugliest super-imposed CGI Frodo running into the gate while the camera panned. He wasn’t walking so much as gliding across the ground. Horrible job. Why not clean this up a bit? It’s not that hard, and it would have been much more impressive if you spent just a LITTLE bit more time making it look real. Or just skip it all together. We know he’s entering the gate. END OF MINOR SPOILER
The Revival of Lotney ‘Sloth’ Fratelli – This movie’s stock bad-guy orc leader looked like the long lost brother of Sloth from THE GOONIES (a much better Sean Astin flick). I wonder if Astin had any flashbacks when he first saw the makeup for this dude. During the battle at Pelennor Fields, I half expected him to yell out "HEEEEEY YOOOOUUU GUYS!! Ah-haha!" and see his ears wiggle with glee. Instead he tries to look tough and spits on a big rock. OoooOOOoh, what big man you are! I think my idea would have been better. His armor should have been a Superman shirt. That woulda been cool!!
Body-Doubles: Am I the only person that noticed the body doubles more often in this movie than in the other two? It was so bad at some points that my head started to ache. Whatever.
It's not like I didn't notice body doubles in the first two. There were moments all three chapters that were glaring in the body-double department, but it's a very small complaint, and most of the time when it happened it wasn't so bad that I stopped being attentive to the story.
Not so with the third installment. Sometimes it seemed as if they threw in blatantly obvious body doubles just to dare the audience to say nothing about it! BOOO!
****** SPOILERS******
The Ending(s) - annoying.
The first ending looked like Sam and Frodo decided to finally 'get it on' with each other before the molten lava carried them to the land where there’s silver glass and peacefulness. That's why that first fade out took so long. This is so you can leave their slow lovemaking frenzy to your imagination, and keep the movie at PG-13. I was ready to walk out at this point for about the 100th time since I looked at my watch 60 minutes into RotK, but no it wasn't time yet. The credits didn’t start rolling. All kept me from leaving before this moment was the Crack of Doom and all the molten lava, because I like fire. I saw that already. I lasted this long. It was about time for the movie to end now, right? It was about time once Frodo completed his book. Then I realized something; it wasn't time again. Then again.
The final fucking scene was embarassing. Frodo smiles completely again upon entering the boat as if there are no troubles in his life anymore. Didn't work for me. I felt like crying just like Merry, Pippin, Samwise and Frodo - out of sheer boredom and frustration! Can we pile the slow-motion shots and melodrama to an even more deplorable state?
I had to laugh at Frodo saying his goodbyes... by the time he was hugging Samwise goodbye, I expected him to say "And you Scarecrow... I'll miss you most of all!" Then Galadriel would say, “Oh no! The boat’s leaving! It’s too late! Sorry I couldn’t take you wish us!! Goodbye!”
Never mind the mind-numbingly stupid moment when Frodo wakes up in slow motion (after being carried away by the badly CGI’d eagles), sees Gandalf at his bed and says, "GG--aaaa-nnnnn-daaaalllfff?" and Gandalf smiles in slow motion as the other friends show themselves... for about the 100th time, I was looking for the fastforward button on my remote!! That was another scene that added yet more salt to the wound of my hatred of this movie.
****** END OF SPOILERS******
OTHER TIDBITS THAT ANNOYED THE HELL OUTTA ME
******SPOILER****** For some reason I don't think I was supposed to be laughing when Denethor runs away in flames and over the ledge. But I was. Especially when Gandalf states the obvious, "and thus falls Denethor..." The whole Denethor bit played much more subtley in my mind when I was reading the book, and it didn’t seem so embarassing to read as it was to watch. The only moment that felt ‘right’ with Denethor was his admittance to Faramir wishing that he took Boromir’s place in death. That one, solitary scene worked. Everything else was just plain baaaaad.
****** END SPOILER****
When Aragorn and friends stand in front of a silent Black Gate, I was waiting for the French Knight to show himself and start calling them "English ka-nnnnniggets!!" I laughed again when I don’t think I was supposed to be laughing. Oh, and another example of a stupendously retarded one-liner (after silence, and the dramatic close-up, of course): “For Frodo…” I would take back all but one nostalgic blast to the memories of The Shire between Samwise and Frodo. I just wanted them to shut the fuck up and get on with the movie; what a show-stopper! “I’m in The Shire, it’s so wonderful, life is perfect, ladi-da,” get on with your fuckin’ Quest already! I know you miss The Shire and you’re miles away from home and have been through hell (and not back). Like Ahnuld once said: “Stop whining! You lack DISCIPLINE!!”
Oh, and to top it all off; I thought the elves were the worst handled characters. They all look like flaming homos. I'm not saying being homosexual is bad, but the elves never looked fierce or even handsome - they all looked like beauty queens! Except for Legolas, who I liked very much in the first two movies. Especially the first one.
Liv Tyler is a horrible horrible choice for Arwen, and every second she was onscreen I had to look away at something behind her so I didn't have to look at her. MINOR SPOILER
Like, for example, the dude behind Elrond's right shoulder in the end as Arwen meets Aragorn... did he not look like Elrond's life-mate? Sheesh!
END OF MINOR SPOILER
Again, no big deal about the homosexuality thing, but I wish there were some graceful - yet manly - elves onscreen at some point! I just wonder how these guys can be happy forming offspring. Well, they ARE immortal, right? The don’t have to breed that often. Ah! Now it all makes so much more sense!
This is only a taste of what I thought was wrong with RETURN OF THE KING. If you want my reasons for disliking this movie, well, here’s a start!
There is no such thing as a perfect movie. The flaws in FOTR don’t dissuade me from loving it to death. But after all the battle sequences, the drama, the melodrama and homosexual undertones, the only thing that I will never forget is the near-perfection in FOTR from the moment Gandalf tries to enter the Mines of Moria, to his fall at the Bridge of Khazad-dum.
I was dismayed about TTT making the changes that it did from the book – and the DVD behind-the-scenes looks and commentaries didn’t change my opinion about those changes. FOTR is a near-perfect adaptation. They took liberties to the original story, but those changes made for an awesome film version, and kept the spirit of the book alive. I’m not even a fan of the books, and I’d welcome a diversion from what the book brings story-wise as long as it helps improve the events that unfold onscreen. The changes in TTT were not good IMO, and RotK is very ugly conclusion to part one, which I hold dear in my heart. Like I said; I never expected the last two to be as good as the first, but I was expecting the last two to be much much more than what I got from them.
I don't think RotK was a piece of trash.
I was just overwhelmingly underwhelmed.
If another director took on the task of making the LOTR trilogy, then I don't think it could have been anything close to the viewing experience that Peter Jackson presented. There would only be a few other directors capable of following through with a quality product had someone else been chosen to direct. I'm happy for PJ's success, and I wish that I would have enjoyed the final installment of the trilogy more than I did. I just can't deny the countless miniscule flaws that could have been so easily fixed, and a few major issues that I had which lessened my enjoyment.
Well, as I just previously stated, no movie is perfect. Some are close to it. I have a hard time giving out 10/10s, but eventually I begrudge one every once in a while. But it usually takes a while to break down and do it, because every movie I see has something that doesn't sit well with me. It's the overall experience that is most important. I know RotK can't be perfect... but it could have been improved.
My feeling is that PJ is capable of making TTT and RotK better movies, but they are still better than if almost anyone else directed. It was a huge and daunting task to bring the trilogy to reality in the manner that he did, and I think he's deserving of any achievement awards he receives for it. WETA Digital has proven to be a very effective (and presumably much cheaper) alternative to ILM - although I think PJ had too much faith in RotK with the effects, and instead of enhancing Middle Earth with subtle alterations and cohesive CGI, he went overboard and relished in the CGI and it ruined a lot of the effectiveness of many scenes. I noticed it too much in RotK when I shouldn't have, and I think it's because PJ felt that in the third year and final installment that the technology proved itself well enough to use it more, and for bigger things. I disagree, but he was still nowhere near George Lucas level, which is a good thing.
About the potentially misguided 'homophobic' statements; Let me reiterate: The elves were extremely inneffective. I know they are an elegant, beautiful race, but to me they were effeminate to the point where they seemed like a sexless race. All the male elves look like eunichs. Except for Legolas and Elrond, but I think Elrond's performance was pitiful, and I was unimpressed with Galadriel... everything about how the elves were handled annoyed me. Just because they wear white, and are shot in extreme slow motion doesn't mean that they come across as angelic and elegant. I thought it was pretty damned cheesy, IMO.
I still think Sam and Frodo had a little something going on, but my saying so is a mixture of me joking, and another part of it is my frustration towards the movie. I apologize if I pissed someone off, but at the same time I'm not the only damned person who thinks there isn't something 'fishy' going on between the two of them. I was trying to be humorous more than insulting, though. I love sarcasm, and sometimes when I try to be sarcastic it comes across as scornful.
I really wish that I could have liked this movie more, but alas I didn't. I only started to explain the things that annoyed me with RotK, and I won't go any further into it.
I will end this by saying that I don't think it's a bad movie. If Return of the King was released as a summer action flick that didn't have two movies before it (and wasn't based off of a sickiningly successful series of books), I would think "Hey, that wasn't too shabby. A little overlong, but overall a good time."
The problem is that FOTR is one of my favorite movies, and everything the cast and crew mentioned about the next two installments was that "If you like this, you ain't seen nothin' yet/this is just the beginning, and the good shit happens in the next two movies."
Well, you know what? I disagree. I never expected TTT or RotK to be better than FOTR because that would just be unfair, but I also feel that they could have been so much more than what they are. So, instead of one fantastic movie and two excellent ones, I have one fantastic movie and two average ones. I'm slightly heartbroken that it had to be this way, but that's just the way it is. LOTR was a rushing locomotive of excitement and adventure rushing out of the starting line that lost its steam in the last two legs of the race.
I just think PJ could have done better than what he did, but what he has done is better than what almost anyone else could have done.
Reviewed: 12/29/03
What's even worse is that she spends almost the entire third act of the movie with big wet soppy tears on her ugly face! She needs to stop whining like a stupid little girl already! The fact that I don't find her attractive at all doesn't help, of course. I won't even begin to ramble on about her bad mumbling NATURAL voice, which is actually less annoying than her Arwen voice, which is just ugly on a whole new level... and those ugly over-reddened lips... jeesh!
What made it even more unbearable to me was that every shot with her onscreen was in slow motion, and 90% of those slo-mo shots are of her in extreme closeup, with the background blurred. Believe me, I noticed. That also helped me notice more fairy-looking elves in the background.
'Why I Hated - and What I Loved - of Return of the King, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bom-assed Flick'!!
Grade: C
The End
Revised and Posted on site: 9/13/04