H i t m a n

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Summary:
A man who was trained almost from birth by a secret organization to be one of the world's most mysterious hitmen on the planet doesn't have a name, just a number: Agent 47. He is of course the best, but finds himself getting double-crossed. On his quest to rid himself of his tarnished image, he also meets a hot high-class whore (score!), a relentless CIA agent hot on his trail, and other hitmen from his own Organization who want his head on a stick.

Review:
I'm gonna start with the man Agent 47: Mr. Timothy Olyphant. If you've seen Go, Girl Next Door or the awesome HBO series Deadwood then you know that this guy's got what it takes to jump to the top. My fear is that he'll go the same route that Michael Biehn - who could be his dad (or older brother) - will go. He'll be in some awesome movies, but somewhere along the lines he'll drift into obscurity only to be appreciated by a handful of fans, but not by many casting directors in the movie biz.
I don't blame Olyphant for choosing this movie. What shocks me is that the person who was BORN for the role - Jason Statham - decided to turn it down! He must not play video games or something, because Agent 47 IS Statham! What a bummer! After knowing that anyone who wasn't him was cast, I was not too fond of this movie getting made. Olyphant is great, and he actually pulled off his duty as 47 fairly well. As expected, the rest of this flick doesn't have anything going for it. But is that really such a big surprise?

Hitman is one mess of cheap action movie making, in which each bullet being fired punches another hole in the storyline. Hyperkinetic frenzy of adrenaline-pumping suspense and ferocity this little number is not. It's more the kind of movie that you should sit back on the sofa with, a 6-pack by your side and your significant one on the other. That way, when half way through you realize that there isn't ANYTHING to offer outside of a couple big explosions - and Olga Kurylenko's tits - you can turn off that DVD player and start cracking open a couple cold ones, watch Terminator 2 and start making out with that perfect woman.
For me, this isn't an option. I don't drink that much and I don't have a girlfriend. So I went to the movies alone, and I sat alone in the theater. I think I'm the only single guy on the planet who is stupid enough to watch the entire movie by himself. It was asking to be made fun of!

The positive aspects to my viewing was that Olyphant wasn't really that bad. It's not HIS fault this movie sucks! It has a short run time, and however much it sucked I knew that soon this whole messy affair would end. I can't recommend this unless you're a Die Hard (yuck yuck) fan of the video games and you really badly want to see how another video game franchise is stripped of a chance at greatness with another dud. Or, if you love Olyphant and just can't help yourself, or if you're kind of a masochist and don't have any mousetraps to clip onto your nipples at the moment. Maybe then this would be worth checking out.

GRADE: D

Reviewed: 12/18/07