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Summary:
Jim Halsey and his girlfriend are on a road trip, and end up giving a ride to a hitchhiker. He happens to be a lunatic that kills everyone in his path, except the two of them. And they don't know why.

Review:
*Sigh*... once again I have to bring up my remake note: I loved the original, don't think a remake that is basically an inferior xerox'd rendition with little to no imagination of its own is worthy of being made. After saying that, I try my best to review the movie on its own terms. Problem is, I've already seen the original so I can't NOT make comparisons.

What the fuck is wrong with Michael Bay, man? The fucker not only makes bad movies, but now he produces at least a yearly rendition of classic horror movies for a small budget and a hack director who merely makes another cookie-cutter style of flick (these directors are all interchangeable) that makes a good profit even at a low box office rate, providing 15 year old morons who know Jack Shit about movies before 1999 a rollicking roller coaster of entertainment, while anyone else with half a brain is stuck watching mediocre triteness that questions one's sense of hope with America as a whole. I'm going to shit on this movie as a remake right off the bat, because I want to get that shit off my chest to focus on the MOVIE as a stand alone entity.
For God's sake, don't be afraid to turn away from what is already good enough in the original state. Don't be afraid to take a classic tale into another direction. These morons who greenlight this shit are too afraid to do that. They KNOW they're copying a well written movie, and so if they don't retain the scenes that had the strongest impact, they think the movie would fail. The worst thing about this is that they recreate these scenes... with no sense of timing or logical tension building, making even the cool parts from the first movie suck ass and lose their luster.

The most fun one could have with this remake would be to talk with your friends about how stupid the two lead characters are. Even for a horror movie a lot of the decisions they make have no sense of logic behind it. It makes for an extremely frustrating viewing experience, but with the right group of people it could turn into a MST3k experience that would elevate this flick's entertainment level one million-fold. Numerous times I wanted to yell at the screen. Then I wanted to find the screenwriter, punch him squarely in the face. Find the director and clobber him with a baseball bat, and after that go to Michael Bay and make him watch repeated viewings of Sugar and Spice until he begged for mercy, A Clockwork Orange style.
I want really badly to make a list of all the retarded things Grace and Jim do, but I don't want to write a novel. I won't even make highlights, and honestly, my mind is doing its best right now to block out a lot of this movie, so I've forgotten a handful of them.

Before I saw this, my nutshell prediction was "Sean Bean is a good choice to play Ryder, but he's no Rutger Hauer. It doesn't need to be remade 'cause it's already good as it is. However, there's a chance this remake might be slightly entertaining on its own terms." I was right on most counts. Bean was good as the Hitcher, but he's no Hauer. I wouldn't mind taking the role, because being a bad guy in a movie like this has GOT to be a lot of fun. Pick up a paycheck, ham it up and then forget about the movie on release. That's what kind of role Bean has here. The greatest casting choice for the whole movie is having him in it. Even better would have been to never make this movie! The two leads are serviceable, but once again - interchangeable not only as onscreen characters, but any cute actor could replace these two.
The biggest story changing innovation of this remake was to have a boyfriend and girlfriend meet the hitcher straight off, instead of Jim being the sole occupant that falls victim to Ryder's insane antics. This doesn't really work on any level. First of all, we don't give a shit about either one of them, and it brings nothing interesting storywise to the movie that couldn't have been done with just one person.
The funniest and most far out moment goes to the final few minutes, when Grace suddenly switches from over an hour and twenty minutes (it's an 85 minute movie) of the submissive, frightened "Oh Save Me Boyfriend!" girlfriend with a never firm grip on a handgun, to.... the Terminatrix. BOOM she fucking handles that pistol like she was born into it. She fires a shotgun from the hip and hits every time (ever tried that? It's NOT easy!), and the switch just flips from one mode to this brand new end-of-the-movie heroinne mode without any semblance of realism. It's just, HOLY SHIT SHE'S BEING A FUCKING BADASS! Just like that. Weird, man. Totally weird.

As the movie progresses, the plot holes become wider and more glaring, with Ryder knowing everything they're going to do before it's done. This isn't a big deal, but it gets to a laugh out loud outrageousness by the third act. Then again, this is a Bay produced POS remake of a horror classic. The logic of MAKING this movie precedes any idea of logic the movie itself is supposed to have. I don't know why I even bother thinking about logic when the movie's existence alone denies it.

Now that I've thoroughly expended my textual diarrhea all over this movie, I'll conclude the shit pile with whipped cream and a cherry on top. What this DOES have going for it is a glossy look. It's just like the other Bay produced movies appearance wise. The downside to this is that it makes all these movies feel like every actor looks the same, they are all wearing the same clothes and we don't really know any of them on a personal level. All the settings are so similar in appearance between this, Amityville, The Omen, Texas Chainsaw remake, The Hills Have Eyes, The Fog, House of Wax and a slew of other horror loser movie remakes like this one that I swear it's like I'm watching a continuation of a long running series in which the same people with no historical background are being killed off. It's pathetic, really.

For the gore hounds, and those who liked all the aforementioned horror movies on that long list of Bay and Bay-alike Horror For the Stupid-Fests, then I am sure The Hitcher will be right up your alley. There are quick flashes of gore here and there, body parts flying in pieces, a really cool car chase and a GREAT truck explosion in the end. Perhaps that's what's most important. I myself came out juuuust BARELY slightly entertained, but in the end it was a tough call between a solid "D" rating to a whimpy but acceptable "C-". I want to give the movie an "F-" just based on principle alone, but as a stand alone horror flick as if it wasn't a remake... I would have thought it was wasted potential.

GRADE: D

Reviewed 1/28/07