Halloween

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Summary:
John Carpenter's horror classic is remade. This time, there's some mental hospital back story. Then pretty much the same stuff from the original happens.

Review:
I hated the first two features done by Rob Zombie with a hardcore passion. The Devil's Rejects should be called The Devilish Mess That Comes From My Ass is Better Than This. I hate to say it, but John Carpenter's Halloween doesn't do much for me, either. There's a big but that goes with that.
Halloween is one of those staples of horror movie that should never be remade. There aren't many of these kinda horror flicks. Halloween, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th are movies that inspired a whole new slew of that category of horror. Halloween was heavily inspired by the much better Black Christmas. Even though I don't like it, I respect it.
Does this useless remake have a reason for being made? As in, does it provide a fresh approach to a tried and true formula? Absolutely NOT!

Michael Myers gets more time on screen as a kid. His family is dysfunctional to a laughable rate. Myer's abusive stepfather - who drinks profusely and swears like a crazy loon - is cussing at Mrs. Myers and then he swipes everything off the kitchen table and says "Pick that up!" Yeah, you talk to your woman and let her know who's boss! At school, he's abused by the meanest bullies on the planet. So of course he becomes a psycho killer. Yaaawwwwnnn.
After some time in the mental clinker, Michael does a harrowing and amazing escape in a way that only works in the movies. They have video cameras hooked up in 1992 there, but in 2007 they mysteriously disappear. He can also break solid chains with the mere flip of his wrists. Awesome. The most quizzical part of this whole segment of the movie is why they attempted any repoire between Michael and the janitor. He seems to make "friends" with Michael, but when Michael is cut loose, he kills the janitor just like he kills everyone else he comes in contact with, so that was one of the most pointless relationship builders I've seen in a movie in a LONG while.

The rest of the movie afterwards is an "homage" to the original in most respects. One disposable "teen" that's actually 30 years old and humping some random dude gets "offed" by Michael every five to ten minutes. Lemme tell ya, the suspense is dynamite when you don't know these bastards, and they come across as mere horndogs before they're wasted by Michael. I don't care if they live or die, and the murders are just as unimpressive and emotionless for me to watch as it is for Michael to perform.
The last 20 minutes does make a few more changes here and there, but the "he's dead, but oh shit! He ISN'T dead!" card was tired even the FIRST time around. And by "the first time around," I mean in 1978.

Halloween is another dud from movie director Rob Zombie. A worthless remake that quite frankly, SUCKS. Part of what made the 1978 version unique was that the reasoning behind Michael's insanity was not too deeply explained. Some times the mystery of a killer's intentions and background helps to enhance the horror. Zombie's Michael Myers feature doesn't understand the reasons for the original becoming the classic that it is today. To top it off, this slasher movie has been made already with the other Halloween sequels, the Jason Voorhees movies and all the copycats over the last 30 years. So it's no longer "horror", but instead an almost laughable by-product of what once was fresh and exciting. Loud sirens blaring while women covered in blood are screaming and crying in slow motion does NOT make me scared. It's just an ear sore.

GRADE: D-

Reviewed: 1/23/08