Alien Vs. Predator 2: Requiem

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Summary:
A fan boy's wet dream turns into a stormy nightmare when events from the first abysmal movie continue here. The predator ship is invaded by aliens and crashes in the outskirts of a small town in Colorado. Idiotic townsfolk become victim to even more idiotic aliens and predators slithering and blasting through the forest and into the town's swimming pools and restaurants.

Review:
If at first one shitty director doesn't succeed... get TWO who are brothers to make it even WORSE!!

The most positive thing I can say about this is that finally Reiko Aylesworth got out of 24 season 5, in which things on that show were only getting worse, and hopped onto a semi-large role on the big screen. I won't say how she isn't doing better for herself starring in this massive anal assfuck to the further emotional and cinematic nuking of the Alien and Predator franchises. If I said that I was expecting much going into this, I would obviously be cracking a joke because there's no way in hell I was expecting this to be more than mediocre. The thing that surprised me the most was how each scene got progressively worse than the previous. For the first 20 minutes, I thought "Wow, this sucks but it's definitely tolerable." But then, it took a deep nosedive into pure dreck, and only went farther into the bottomless deep abyss (James Cameron directed that) of pure shit movie "making".
None of the characters are worth giving two shits about. The predator is the stupidest predator EVER. He (maybe she, I don't know) kills people who aren't armed. What I don't get is how he's in the forest, and a cop sees him and starts running away. Why didn't they have the cop just pull his gun on the predator? That way, it wouldn't be a heartless kill. It would have been a predator killing an armed man. For the sport. Easy to fix, instead of ruining the whole mystique behind the "hunter" concept and turning it into a "killer".
The facehuggers once again get people pregnant, and form a demon-spawn within minutes of people awakening. It would have been better if the father and son woke up and went home. Then, while they were eating dinner - spaghetti, because that would be another rip-of--- I mean, "homage" - they could have a final father son bonding with a heartfelt simultaneous chestbursting. What the Strause brothers also fail to realize is how the whole burst-chesting thing was first introduced in its full horror 30 years ago, so it's not such a shock anymore like they seem to make us believe.

Amidst the dialog-less blurry and too-dark-to-see skirmishes between the predator and the aliens that multiply like gremlins dumped in water, we have to follow some townsfolk as they establish themselves as nothing more than future fodder. I don't care about these people. Jesse is this girl that chooses the biggest asshole in the state of Colorado for a boyfriend, which is shown when he beats the crap out of her ex-boyfriend as he delivers pizza to their place. If I was him, I'd be like "good riddance. She deserves whatever she gets choosing that guy." If I was him, I wouldn't be fixated on her, either, because I'd be hot enough to find someone else that is just as cookie-cutter predictable in hotness as Jesse.
Aylesworth is the Ripley knock-off, and she even has her own Newt - her daughter. It's great because the daughter even talks about "the monsters" at one point, which is taken from Aliens and Newt saying "My mommy said there are no real monsters, but there are." Other nods, which aren't really nods but blatant plagiarism from the better movies this is based off of are:
"Get to the chopper!"
Predator self-surgery. Almost exactly the same way.
A reference to Titanic (because James Cameron directed it)
The Alien 3 alien-in-your-face bit that was in the trailer (most recently used with a saber-tooth-tiger in the 10,000 BC trailer)
Predator vision, complete with the same sound effects every single frikkin' time
A musical score that mixes both Predator and Aliens
National Guard looking like the Colonial Marines (What the HELL?!?!) jumping out of an armored vehicle in the rain, and yelling and talking as if they were setting ground on LV-426 for the first time.
Aylesworth in Ripley mode, saying "hold on!" and driving said armored vehicle through rubble, almost exactly like in Aliens - but not as cool looking.
National Guard being systematically picked off one by one, like in Aliens (except it's OUTSIDE - in the rain. Not in an enclosed unfamiliar location.)
A sewer system that is alien-ized in reminiscence of Aliens
An alien popping through plastic and killing a doctor, just like in Alien 3
Ripley and Newt are turned into idiot characters
Flying away from an explosion just like in Aliens

The list only goes on...

About that National Guard. They come into town fully suited for super-battle, as if they knew they were getting into a town infested with aliens, not just a small town that lost power due to an explosion at the plant. Even worse is that they are some of the most incompetent morons you'll ever see dirtying Army uniforms. Then there's some mystical "Colonel" that makes the most rash and illogical decision at the final act which I can't ever see happening in my wildest dreams.
I had a few "what the fuck?" moments when it came to the dialog. At one point, Ripley-ripoff is saying they should go to the hospital to use the chopper and leave town. Then the Sheriff is disagreeing, saying they should go into the center of town for airlift from the Colonel on the radio. Both are saying that if the other does what they plan, they will DIE. Ripley-joke is like, "If you go into the center of town, you'll be surrounded. It doesn't make sense!" Sheriff says, "If you go to the hospital the helicopter might not be there, and you'll all die!"
Yes, this is truly a mysterious dilemma. Why don't they just hide themselves into a basement or other place until the sun rises, and seek their way to a safer place a few hours later in the SUNLIGHT, and drive out of town? Oh well.
The real winner line came just after that when they separate, and Sheriff shakes Not-Ripley's hand and says, "I hope we're both wrong." So he just said to her that he hopes ALL OF THEM DIE!! I laughed so hard at that line! No one else seemed to notice. They must have all fallen asleep by then. This is one of many goodies you'll get while watching AvP 2.

Alien Vs. Predator has no excuse for sucking so much. The only reason a second one should have been is because anything would be better than that mess. Instead, the sequel has the gore which was sorely missing from the first one, but that does nothing when the movie sucks on its own terms in ways that Anderson's mess didn't touch on. So now, TWO movies have destroyed two great franchises, but each with their own unique methods of destruction. I think of it more like, "Well, AvP was terrible, but we didn't do these OTHER things to cover all the bases of destroying what people love so much." So they made a second one to finish off what the first one couldn't do in 90 minutes.

I can't even say that this is "better" than the first. That was what I was hoping to say. I thought I'd finish with "Well, this was better than AvP but that's not saying much." I think it says a lot more when I think that both are just as horrendous, but each in their own special way.

GRADE: F

Reviewed: 12/30/07