The Descent

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Summary:
A group of friends go exploring a cave that is inhabited by screaming, humanoid, flesh-eating creatures. Of course the entrance to the cave caves in, so they desperately search for a way out while being attacked in the darkness.

Review:
I won't say that The Descent is a bad movie, because it really isn't. What surprises me is how many critics and movie-goers have proclaimed it to be a shocking, ball-gripping horror movie that is compared to the best of the best over the decades. It is far, far from that good. What I got from it was some great gore, overall watchable entertainment that got annoying after time. I can only hear these creatures scream so many times before it just starts hurting my ears and instilling a fear factor of "2" on a scale of one to ten.

So, all these chicks end up trapped in this cave, and we have one that is suffering from a recent loss of her family, and then another one of them is a hardcore martial arts master from the looks of it. Add to that several personality "types" that lead to each of them wanting to make different decisions on the same scenario. This is fine and dandy, but unfortunately I didn't feel connected to them as much as I should have. All these women came across to me like they were characters in a movie, systematically programmed to be exterminated when the movie's runtime dwindles farther to the end credits. I didn't feel emotionally attached to them, so when they started getting killed I was like, "well, alright, that was neat. Next, please?"
The most fun is in the excessive blood and guts. When someone gets hurt, it's the worst possible injury that one could get from that accident. The first injury isn't just ropeburn; we get a flesh-ripping river of blood. Nice! That's one example of the many over-the-top injuries, but I'll save spoilers and mention nothing more. If you are in the mood for some blood and guts, then The Descent will provide this gory glory in abundance!
There were some cute omages to better horror classics, noticing mostly the overhead camerawork of them driving through the trees a-la The Shining and a blatant low-note rendition of Carpenter's The Thing soundtrack, as well as a shot very similar to Alien. It didn't detract from the movie's tone, though, which means it was done appropriately.
I had a strong desire to be immersed in lots of tension-buidling and fear of the unknown, meaning not wanting to watch further and just run out of the theater (or turn off my DVD in this case) screaming for my mommy. The movie's biggest flaw is not just the absolute lack of tension, but also in the not-so-scary creatures themselves. Not caring for any of these characters didn't help any, either. I don't get why people got stunned at these albino blind screamers. I mean for cryin' out loud, HOW MUCH SCREAMING do these things do? Jesus! At first, it was ok for me, but eventually the excessive use of increased volume didn't scare me; it just annoyed the fuck out of me! I liked how they filmed these dudes in reverse as they walked backwards, so the way they moved looked odd. The sped up film process was effective most of the time, but there were moments where it was too choppy and cheapened the effect. Also, I don't find a horror movie "scary" when it relies on endless boo-scares that one can see from miles away. I didn't get startled at all, because you see, I KNEW they were setting up for the loud noise scare. As I've mentioned in what feels like every horror review I've done for the last few years - boo scares aren't HORROR! That's a STARTLE! Whether a startle works or not on the audience is not a definition of a scary movie to me. Otherwise, I'd be living in a scary movie of my own when a balloon pops. That's not horror!

I was severely disappointed with The Descent because I wanted the next The Thing or even The Others (which scared the crap out of me). What I got was another run of the mill, slightly above average in the gore department boo-scare extravaganza with worthless throw away characters. You can do a lot worse, but God knows that you can do a SHIT TON BETTER! I have no idea what people were talking about when it seems everywhere I go in search of reviews I get nothing but cock-stroking on the genius of this movie. It's far from genius. It's just average.

NOTE: I saw the original European ending, and I think the American ending is just the last 45 seconds or so spliced out. I have to say that I thought the original ending is so fucking retarded that it almost made me knock the movie down one whole grade. It's not "grim", it's just another cheap dig at providing sympathy when it wasn't needed. I would actually PREFER the last 45 seconds removed, unlike all the die-hard fans proclaiming that the American version is a sellout. Well, to each his own, I guess. For me, I felt it was more fresh to finish on the note that it did if the last 45 seconds were cut. That's a newer approach than most horror movies try to use these days.

... I also bet $10 to myself that they'll leave in that shot of the 'dead person' for one final, cheap-ass boo-scare.

GRADE: C

Reviewed: 7/05/06