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Summary:
A yellow-skinned, treated-bad-by-mother psychopath makes an impossible escape from an insane asylum to go back home for Christmas, which is inhabited by the world's stupidest sorority sisters since Delta Upsilon Mu (as an acronym, that's D-U-M), the short-lived 100% downed-syndrome sorority (not discussed in this movie).

Review:
Shit. Pure and utter shit.
That should be the end of the review right there, but I guess I should go on just in case someone out there feels they should check this one out (what a demented motherfucker!). I haven't seen the original 1974 release, but I'm sure it isn't all that great. Even if it is, it's not very popular so I don't feel it's an insult to remake it. Perhaps it was decent, or it wasn't very good but had the chance for greatness, and went just shy of it. A remake should remedy that, and show what the original didn't quite achieve.

Glen Morgan didn't do a bad job with his OTHER remake as director (Willard) and helped write/produce the Final Destination movies as well as some other goodies here and there. Black Christmas had a(n albeit) slim chance of becoming a great horror flick. The final result is a shoddy, by-the-numbers waste of money, my life and the lives of all of those involved for this so-called 'horror' movie that brings tears to those who decide to attempt watching it.
Words couldn't begin to describe - no, wait, words CAN describe how bad this movie is. Problem is, it would take a LOT of words to discuss this movie's absolute idiocracy. Therefore, I won't start in on any of the thousands of reasons Black Christmas sucks. I'll merely touch and go.
When you get a cell phone call of a heavily breathing man, and the caller ID says it's from the phone of a fellow sister in the house, and the crazy sounding man says he's going to kill all of you - call the police right away. When a SECOND call is made from ANOTHER missing chick with the SAME voice, and the power is out ONLY in your house on the block... call the police. NOT the campus security. Moreover, why stay in the fucking house? Don't give me any retarded reasons like, "I'm not leaving this house until I know my (blood) sister is alright," or "We're supposed to stick together because we're (sorority) sisters," or "We're safe in this house". That last line is especially important when everyone knows that the history of the house is of a murderous psychopath who killed his mother and step-father, and ripped the eyeball out of the socket of his sister/daughter. Don't stay there when you already know that the psycho's main desire is to get back home!! That would be reason enough for me to stick together with everyone else, and at least risk walking to the house across the street that has lights on - without leaving friends behind.

But no, we have to keep these morons in the house because they're fucking idiots. And the required 83 minute runtime would not run down if they weren't still in this supid-ass house. Two chicks decide to use the car to get to the police station. That's smart. BUT... are they really going to go the "he's in the back seat unnoticed" route? It goes beyond that. Two chicks are in the front seat, and one pulls a brush FROM THE BACK SEAT to remove the ice and snow from the windshield. She's outside the car, and THEN Psycho Nut Freak attacks! From the back seat!! HOLY SHIT! They went beyond retarded/stupid into a deeper darker abyss of moronic storytelling that one cannot comprehend with any semblence of non brain-dead activity.

I would like to skip mentioning the countless other moments of silliness before this scene. Such as... oh, let's see here... him peeking his eyes through tiles in the bathroom floor, or him crawling between floors as an adult that something perhaps the size of a 9 year old could get through... but not a full grown adult. Nevermind the impossibilities of his childhood, with moments so high above and beyond over the top that it no longer even warrants a laugh. Glen Morgan seemed to have made a list of horror movie cliches, checked it twice, and systematically checked off this list after every page of writing the screenplay.

Gore? It sucks. Lots of eyeballs being poked out. Gets boring after the first time. Nevermind all the OTHER times.

Anyways. Black Christmas is one of the shittiest movies I've ever seen in 2006. Perhaps I ought to rent it someday when I feel suicidal and have a bottle of Jack beside me. If I have doubts of the insignificance in my life, and start thinking during the holiday season next year that things CAN get better, that there IS hope for humanity... I'll slip Black Christmas into my DVD player to be reminded of the injustice of our race, knowing that shit like this is greenlighted for millions of dollars to torture the American audience. Last I checked, Americans were friends. I am an American, just as most of the people involved in this movie are Americans. So, why subject us to this horror?

GRADE: F

1/1/07